Turn · and · Face · the · Strange

Lately, I've been wanting to head home. Not back to Georgia, but Ohio. I've worked through so many feelings over the past years, especially over what a family is and what family means to me.

I used to think that I didn't need my family. That it didn't matter. But, I was wrong. I do. I also realized, once I forgave and moved past all the bad moments, that I had actually had a very good family. An amazing one. My parents, did not do everything right, but were so good to me. They did a very good job at being parents, as it is not an easy task. I realized my family and my family history is really important to me. I've realized being far away sucks and I don't actually like it very much. My parents hopefully have 20-30 years left, but what if they don't? That thought scares me.

My parents are talking about moving back to Ohio when they retire. When they first told me I didn't think much of it, but over time, it came to bother me. Why Ohio? It snows. It's not that interesting. It's not that much closer to me (yes I am that selfish). I didn't get it. I've been trying to convince them to retire out west. That the weather is milder and it's a liberal area. The only reason I could see for them to go to Ohio is the cheap housing. But, then it dawned on me. That's home to them.

They both spent the first 36-37 years of their lives year. Their families had been living in Ohio for generations. That's where they are from. That's home. That will always feel like home to them, no matter where they go.

Long Island I think could have been become their 2nd home if we had stayed there. They loved it there. Georgia will never be home though. It's familiar and they accept it, but it's not home.

So, I realized, I should stop dissuading them from going back. It's not fair of me. Because, maybe they've been wanting to go back for a long time.

Looking at a map of Ohio, I discovered how much I really know about it. I spent only my first five years living there, but we went there so many times for visits, that most of the state feels familiar to me in some way. The county names, the cities, the landmarks.

I haven't been to Ohio since I was 20. Almost 6 years to the date. The last time I went there my sister was in grad school at Ohio State. Anna and I drove the nine hours from Athens to Columbus. We stayed for 4 days and that trip was filled with so many memories. I can still recall it so clearly to this day. I can remember trying north through Tennessee, on the edge of the Smoky Mountains. Through the rolling hills of Kentucky. After we got through Cincinnati, there's the farm land of Ohio that spreads out before you. It's beautiful there. I feel like I've taken Ohio for granted. Because I was made to go there as a child. Because we saw the same things or went to the same places. Because we had to visit relatives and it was boring.

I feel sad I wrote it off since it is the place I was born. Because it is my homeland in some ways. Where my mom and dad were born. Where their parents were born. And on my mom's side - it goes back even further. Generations and generations were born and raised there. And it is an interesting place with so much to do and see. And so much natural beauty.

I want to go back. I have to go back. If I had the vacation time, I would be going right now. I need to drive from Georgia though. That's what feels right. That feels like the way the trip is supposed to go. Up 75 until you get to Cincinnati and then you cut over to 71. I need to go Cleveland. I need to Painesville and see the house we lived in. I need to back to Mahoning County and see the family grave site. I don't know if many people these days have their grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents buried in one place, but I do. I need to go to see the Amish (something we always did was drive through Amish Country) and go stand on the shores of Lake Erie. I need to go see if that same store that always had the red clawfoot bathtub is still there and if that ice cream shop we always went to still exists. I need to back to the winery with the accordion player and eat cheese. I need to eat at Arthur Treacher's, Friendlys, Perkins, and Bob Evans. I need to do this. I need to go. That state is my heritage. It's part of me.

I've been getting back in touch with my roots lately and what's important to me. In the process of this, I've come to notice something that has bothered me for years. I have no place that feels like home. My parents house in Georgia, is the closest I've got. I lived there for 7 years with them before I went away to college. They've been living there for 15 now. It's familiar and comfortable. That's the longest I've ever lived in one dwelling and one city/town. Athens is the town that felt most like home, but when I left, I knew it was time to go. I can't really imagine moving back there. It would feel wrong. Living on Long Island is where everyone in my family was the happiest and the place of so many happy childhood memories. But, I've been gone from there for so long, that it would be odd to think of that as home. And my current situation, Vancouver? It still does not feel like home to me. Again, I'm comfortable living here. It's familiar. I've adjusted. Some days I think of never leaving because I've accepted it and settled in and I'm not ready to start over. But other days, I just feel like this isn't where I want to spend my life. That it's not the city for me because it's so hard to make friends and I don't like the weather and I've never just felt like I "fit".

But, I don't know where I do want to spend my life. I don't know where is right. And Matthew doesn't like the idea of moving, so that's another stumbling block. But, I want a home.

For now, I put all those thoughts out of my head. And I will focus on getting to Ohio. Next year. 2008. It will happen. I will go back to the start of this life of mine.

I have now been living in Vancouver over 4 years. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life has changed since then. I feel like most of the changes are abstract, not things an average onlooker would notice or be able to measure.

I think the average life path of a North American after high school is: go to some sort of post-secondary school; get a good job; find a life partner (and potentially get married); buy a home; have kids... Even though this is changing - less people having kids, less people getting married - it is still the "societal norm". I've written a lot over time here about how I hate these things. I find it droll and boring and how I want to live my life in a different manner.

To date, I still have not met many of these standards. I now have a good job, and soon I will be have been married for almost 4 years. It seems hard to believe that the time has already passed so quickly and I wonder how much faster the remaining years we have together will go.

Anyone who knows me extremely well understands that I long for things that are not necessarily possible or logical. That I will mourn for things I cannot change. It's just part of my emotional landscape. It's why I get annoyed when people try to make me feel better too quickly or try to be overly positive with me about things. Some days, I just want to feel sad about something. And there's nothing wrong with that.

And that right there is the essence of what I've learned over the past 4 years. I've learned about me. I, like a lot of people, have emotional baggage. A good friend of mine recently said to me, "one thing i see about our generation is that most of our parents didn't deal with their own issues before they had us. And then, they never got better b/c they didn't take time for themselves when we were kids." I agree with this sentiment. I know a lot of my issues stem from the things my mother chose to ignore in her own life. I've suffered from low self-esteem and anxiety. I have (and am working toward totally recover from) body images issues and eating problems. That is why the last four years have been spent on: ME.

Feeling better about myself, finding myself, trying to loving myself entirely, understanding who I am and why I am that and being OK with that. Not trying to change for anyone. Being accepting of my short comings and discovering all my really amazing qualities. Learning to love my body and accept this shell I've been giving. Learning how to communicate better with others about my feelings and needs. Putting my needs first. Taking care of myself. Thinking about my goals and my life and what I want. Working to stop being so hard on myself. Creating a better relationship with my husband and my parents. Discovering just how important certain friends are. And just being me. Letting myself just be me.

That's been my four years. If most people look back, they will see that I moved to Vancouver and spent time fitting into my new surroundings. I got married. I became a permanent resident of Canada. I had my first real job in the field I wanted to work in. I took some neat vacations. I finally got a better job in a growing field.

But what I see are the changes in myself. I see all the things I've dealt with, the things I'm currently still dealing with, and what a beautiful young woman I've become. I see the past baggage I've put behind me. I see the beautiful marriage and partnership that Matthew and I have begun to create. I see the new friendships made and the old ones I've worked hard to keep. I see my relationship with my parents becoming perfect. I see my confidence coming back. I see someone who likes herself, and almost loves herself.

I've also watched Matthew change, develop, and grow. I seen him working his way through his career at one company - hopeful beginnings to miserable times finally to freedom. I've watched him become more outgoing, more sure of himself and what he wants. I see him developing into this amazingly strong man who has courage and fight and confidence in himself and his abilities.

So, sure - we still live in a basement suite (something I sure most people find unimpressive) and we definitely won't own a place in the next couple years. We still have debt (slowly going away). We currently are back to being somewhat poor as Matthew begins his new business adventure. We still don't have kids. But... what we do have, and what most people don't see, is we have 2 people who have grown and developed. We have a solid foundation for our future. We know what we want out of life. We have goals and dreams. We have each other.

Is this where I thought I'd be 4 years ago? I don't know. Perhaps I thought we'd have more of those things we are supposed to have. But, I know one day we have a home and maybe even a child. I know we will have a happy future. I know that our life will be filled with happiness and love. I know that I am strong and I can take on anything life throws at me. I know that Matthew and I are an unstoppable team, and that is something that will take us far. I've worked hard to better myself, something most people never do, and I know that that will pay off every day for the rest of my life. And that is something no one can measure.